Approach Invitations: IOIs are not the only reason to approach and quite often Daygamers look for too much signal before going in. Now, it’s damaging in the long run to chase (what appear to be) lost causes but sometimes you know you need to up your workrate. That or maybe you’re working against the clock and need to think you’re not throwing yourself under buses. There are many reasons to approach besides an IOI and simply that you’re attracted: DNA tug i.e. complementarity to you; general signs of horniness or openness to the world; signs of rebelliousness, adventure seeking and being adrift (taken from Infinite). I find it’s useful to scan the girl and work out what makes her approachable and focus on that thing rather than the list of possible reasons not to approach. For example: bare legs in the cold, the colour red, the fact she’s taking pictures of the surrounding buildings, etc.
Eye contact development: it’s worth watching how a girl looks at you because she could be really into you but isn’t giving you laser or smouldering eye contact. Maybe she’s looking down (demurring). Maybe her eye contact is feisty (time to make a hard tease and stand there smirking). Annabel’s eye contact lost that suspicious edge as we got a few minutes into the set and it turned into a mixture of desire and apprehension while we drank, before finally becoming exuberant and lost in the moment. You know that you’re having an affect on her as long as her eye contact doesn’t carry the weight of indifference or impatience.
Non-verbals: I remember this set faltering in conversation. Nothing good was coming to mind and we talked about basic things. What I got correct was my posture, tonality and pace. I was comfortable and confident enough to pick my sentences up when I didn’t know what to say next. It’s an effective reminder that at my stage, how you say it is more important than what you say and it’s better to be authentic than trying to magic up some witty teases.
Willing to be convinced: I think we’ve all felt this ourselves; sometimes we’re willing to be convinced and other times not so much. Look at the girls reaction to your idate request or going for her number and try to pinpoint whether she actually just wants you to take all the responsibility. If Annabel had been firmer that she simply wanted to go home, then I probably wouldn’t have pushed her for the idate and wouldn’t have got this lay. However, I could see her sitting on the fence and ended up encouraging her over. By being able to spot when a girl is willing to be convinced you’ll force less numbers and have less dates to nowhere.
Gears: sometimes the alcohol just hits you and you take off. For some people, that sometimes is all the time. I know that I had to smash Annabel in one evening (verbally, that is) because I wouldn’t get another chance to; she was spending the rest of the weekend with her friend and so it would have been a near zero percent chance of meeting her again. Given that fact, I decided to move up through the gears and completely take over the conversation, doing at least 50% but probably more around 70% of the talking. However, this isn’t always the case and energy preservation is often the best tactic. For example, if you open a set at 9/10, where are you supposed to go from there and how are you supposed to keep it there? Better to open at a seven and keep the energy bubbling under the surface so that you have a kind of barely contained enthusiasm.
Standing dates: though of course I’d rather sit down for comfort’s sake, standing offers its own benefits. Firstly, it’s very easy to calibrate how the girl feels towards you simply because she’ll allow you to stand within her personal space for an extended period of time if she likes you. Secondly, it allows you to duck in and out, fractionating between being close and far and coming in to see if she’s ready to be kissed.
The danger zone: 80s classics aside, if a girl leaves herself in the line of fire then she’s telling you she is interested and wants you to continue. In this case Annabel never backed off when we were talking and didn’t leave when I went to get the second drink. In a similar vein, if you feel a girl is giving LMR and is veering towards a hard no, then retreating to the bathroom is a good idea. You can see what state of (un)dress she is in when you return and work from there. This is another benefit of the standing date because it gives more impetus for the girl to leave if she wants to; the street is right there after all.
Assuming the sale: this is another thing I don’t do much anymore because I think it’s lame. I guess it happens naturally sometimes but I don’t give the kind of fake choices like I did a few years ago. It’s only edge cases like this where taking the lead in an aggressive way is the optimal. In this case I needed her to make a decision in a snapshot so that we could have another drink and I could work her for another 45 minutes. Another reason for doing this was the situation I was in: if she didn’t want another drink, I’d be going home anyway. It’s not like I was pushing for a (flakey) number and so had to go all guns blazing.
Desire to be dominated / feel weak / for a man to be in control: these are all big IOIs and offer easy opportunities to escalate on. If a girl says things like this then it’s time to incorporate a lot more hard dominance into your escalation. In this case I reached up and squeezed some of Annabel’s hair. A lot of girls have told me that when I did this then they knew they would have sex with me.
ASD: I hate ASD so much; it’s the phenomena which takes girls who are completely into the idea of sex with you, and it’s logistically available too, and turns them against it. You can have a girl who would definitely sleep with you on a second date but baulks at your door and you never see her again. I felt that with Annabel I had her under my spell sufficiently enough that a walk to another bar wouldn’t lower her buying temperature too much. Obviously this is down to your calibration but sometimes it’s less risky doing another venue or another date and then pulling home than going for it right now.
Yours unfaithfully,
Thomas Crown
Thomas Crown PUA 