I’ve put off writing this report for a while. Firstly, I thought the lead was still in play, and secondly, I was feeling lazy. Given these two points, the date itself was over two weeks ago; the fine details escape me, but I remember a bunch of errors which I want to go over.
But first, a recap of the story (see the open loop?): I met Nelli about a month ago on Tottenham Court Road. She looked like the perfect Daygame set, the type where there is so much to stack on; she was even carrying a ukulele! I approached and got her number, it felt strong, but then because of my holiday and her assignments the first date took two weeks to happen. The fact that she met me two weeks after the number close was a strong sign of her interest.
I did two venues: in the first, I was grabby and arrogant, and went for the kiss early. It was tentatively accepted, and once we left the venue I told her I’d kiss her under a street sign, which I did, and this time it was a makeout.
In the second venue we played the Questions Game but she didn’t give me any green lights. She also did not maintain good eye contact and did not stay in close proximity. Nonetheless, I thought that she was not being fully compliant because she was shy and needed isolation, so I went for the bounce back.
I walked her back to mine, and I tried to bust through the LMR. I failed, and she kept on saying “this is more of a second date thing”. I didn’t listen and kept on trying. Eventually I gave up and I let her go.
She responded to my text the next day but fell off the texting when I went for a “drink and movie night” date request.
*****
I made some mistakes here, but what’s annoying is I knew I was making them as I did it.
For example, I knew in the first venue that I was being too aggressive and needed to sit back; be laconic, be nonchalant. I am much more successful when opening up dates this way. Save the heavier escalation for venue two rather than trying to do something flashy as if it was a Blitzkrieg date.
Then going for the bounce back even when she wasn’t giving good compliance. I knew she wasn’t ready for it, but it was as if I got a rush of good feeling when I decided I was going to walk her home. In my forebrain, I knew it was not the correct play, but my hindbrain wanted it.
Sexual desire aside, I think it’s a cortisol/dopamine story. Cortisol i.e. stress, builds up inside you as you ask yourself whether to bounce back; your body demands that you make an action. Then by internally committing to the bounce back you get a dopamine rush through the gamble you’ve just created for yourself. As time progresses, your body expects this chain of events. The only way to break the cortisol cycle is to ignore the stress and bear the load. Maybe after three, five, or ten correct bounce back decisions the cycle is broken, and you don’t make stress affected decisions.
The third stupid error was trying to bust her LMR when we got back to mine even after she said it was “a second date thing”. It was clear she had drawn her line in the sand. I heard her words and decided to try again, even though I knew I wasn’t working against the line of least resistance.
The fourth error was inviting her for a “drink and movie night”. The right choice would have been something low key, as a mini-push, maybe a little coffee date. The date request made me seem thirsty.
It’s true that you win or you learn; in this case I’ve done a lot of learning.
Yours unfaithfully,
Thomas Crown
Thomas Crown PUA 