I received an email recently regarding dating mindsets. Here’s the content in paraphrased form:
I wanted to ask what your general date mindset/approach is. It seems like you assert your frame really well and girls fall into it eventually. How do you go about asserting this frame?
I replied with:
In terms of a general date mindset/frame/ (mantra even) it’s more to do with “what’s my plan”. I think about how many venues I’ll do, whether we’ll drink alcohol, which escalation and in which venue, and then how I’ll extract (e.g. cab or walk home).
In terms of asserting the frame, I like to think about the irresistible force/immovable object dichotomy. The first venue will be the latter. I’ll sit back, not move much, give strong eye contact, think about what I’m saying, etc. If you have Mastery this is well covered in the first venue section.
Let’s expand on that. I’ll speak from my own experience in this post and its follow up. Try to find the parallels to yourself but take it with a pinch of salt as obviously we are different people.
*****
The key word, though it’s not used in the original paragraph, is compliance.
I go into most dates with my standard plan which I’ll amend for special circumstances (for example #48). It’s should be called an escalation plan because that’s how we’ll move to the end goal (sex). Everything else under consideration: the number of dates, the number of venues, and the inclusion of alcohol, is just the setting for the main event: escalation.
As such, I have an expectation for how the girl is going to behave on the date. I’ve created a set of rail tracks which I want to drive her along. If she tries to derail her own train, or she vehemently refuses to follow the tracks at the pace I desire, or if she never intended on making the whole journey anyway, then I become impatient and annoyed. It’s my way or the highway. I imagine that this shows on my face and expediates the process.
Derail her own train
It is your job to stop this from happening and is within your control compared to the other two. The most common expression of her own derailment, I find, is talking gibberish and thus moving the conversation away from the man-woman frame either on purpose (strong frame) or faulty wiring (Anglosphere). If she speaks gibberish for enough time she’ll pull herself out of the sexual/romantic/man-woman mindset. In that case you’ve clearly also lost the frame.
Sidenote: in the case of faulty wiring I think it’s possible to handle the situation by joining in the gibberish and purely using physical escalation as a series of ever-increasing touch (see #56). If you think about what’s going on here, she’s utilising her forebrain for conversation and so the standard verbal escalation gambits are going to raise her alarm bells: it’s not her script, her script being to talk and see if you have ‘chemistry.’
She refuses to follow the tracks at my pace
By now I am very impatient and so if the girl falls into this camp then she has to prove exceedingly pleasant company for me not to be irritated. I don’t think I have the facial control to withstand three dates with a girl I dislike just to get the notch, I expect her to notice this and so there’s a vicious circle which ends with the date ending abruptly or she doesn’t respond to my feeler the next day (I never said I would turn down the three date notch with a girl I dislike; if I’m on a date with her then I must find her attractive so I do follow up).
She never intended on making the whole journey
A classic timewaster. In my experience this has materialised as girls who liked the idea of going on a date with me, but never seriously thought beyond that. When they’re presented with the escalation plan and what it implies then they press the eject button.
Another sidenote: in that case we could classify two types of timewasters: the implicit and explicit. The former doesn’t think beyond just turning up to the date and is an effective timewaster because she’d never make the whole journey. The latter is a making an active decision to turn up and waste your time. Luckily I’ve had very, very few of this latter category (but many of the first).
*****
The second point I made in that email response was in regards to first venue behaviour. I’ve written before about the immovable object / irresistible force dichotomy and I think it’s very important in the setting of the first venue. By following those body language cues you’re showing that you’re in control of the situation. That’s good because for her to follow your escalation plan then you will very much need to be in control.
I’ve actually scuppered a few of my dates previously by being too animated over the first drink. For one thing, I presented one self during the street interaction and then another, higher energy self during the first drink. People hate having their expectations violated. It’s a warning that should be heeded by all: just because it’s higher energy (more and better banter, more teasing, more laughing by both parties) doesn’t mean it is more effective and it doesn’t mean it will make her compliance readily given. I think this is a hangover from pre-Game nighttime experiences where being in this state lead to sex. Obviously this works for on dates generated via Daygame but I think you need to be that way right from the start.
So when the original reader asked how I asserted my frame, what I’m hearing is “how do you take control?” This is how I take control: being the immovable object. My frame is “I want to take control” and if I have it I move the girl along the tracks. If she doesn’t allow this then we fall out quickly, and you never hear about it because it doesn’t end in a lay report. For the record this year I have had 14 lays from 37 dates. Over 60% of the girls who show up for dates do not comply at the pace I desire. But the remainder allow me to take control and it nearly always ends in the first date lay. That’s the discussion for part two.
Yours unfaithfully,
Thomas Crown
Thomas Crown PUA 