I sit back and feel my lunch inside me. It’s the first thing I’ve eaten today and transfigures the erratic caffeine fueled mood of the morning into a feeling of direction. I’m suddenly reading with zest and digesting the pages at a meta-level. I’m reading Nausea and I think I’ve found the meaning of life, but it’s not a phrase nor an imperative. It’s not to achieve world peace nor my mission. It’s a feeling. And it’s not because of what I’m reading, per se, more about what I feel towards the author and what the implications of that are. Sartre is a clear and obvious gamma: I see it in his Marxist rage and how he calls men of history ‘bastards’; I see it in his sometimes waffling, unclear prose (though some of that may be because of translation); I see it in how his character pines after the same girl for six years with no reply; I feel it in his French haughtiness. I’ve always got the impression that the French consider themselves superior: secret kings. My suspicions were aroused when I found out that his father had died when he was two, a situation which I’m sure exacerbated his narcissism. They were furthered when I found out how he re-framed himself as an anarchist when he was criticised. Now Jean must know that as a man you have to take responsibility for what goes on in your life and I think he shows that he knows this when he says that someone is the sum of their experiences (their being?). But instead he can’t see beyond his present perception, outside of his being is nothingness. He knows he’s meant to achieve something but can’t bring himself to do it and so he feels his nausea and alienation. He sees himself as a failure. That he was born into a skin in which he couldn’t fulfil its duty. It’s him that makes me feel nauseous. Then I’m reminded of something that I think Camus said: when the world stems from our perception, we become God. I’m God then. I sit back further and look out the window into a chalked sky and imagine the world flowing out from me towards the corners of infinity. Down into the foyer, out the doors, down the street and onward and I know, I just know, that the things outside of my perception exist. Though I can’t prove it with pen and paper I feel certainty. Is it a leap of faith? Mentally yes. But the feeling exists in my body as a chemical, somewhere, just as the blood in my veins exists too. She recommended this book to me and She’s always said my feeling of certainty is a ‘Why.’ I’d poke her sometimes with the tip of my finger and smile and ask ‘Why?’ ‘For someone who has anxiety…” She would begin. These thoughts combine to form a realisation that the meaning of life is a feeling. It’s not a phrase nor an imperative. It’s not to achieve world peace nor my mission. It’s the feeling of being comfortable with the responsibility of creating direction. I put on the crown and its weight feels right. I check the time and I realise I should head back to work so I gather up my rubbish and wonder: was this more of gravy than the grave?
2 thoughts on “08/01/19”
I believe most writers start out as gammas. More often than not literature is a form of revenge against life. Just think how crazy it is to spend 4-12 hours a day at a desk honing the craft of creating people that don’t exist and expect the world to pay your meals and treat as if you were some kind of a mix between a rockstar and a prophet. Then I guess the discipline of writing (a bit like in daygame) kills the gamma in you. Or you could say that in some way every sigma, since the writer as an artist falls outside hierarchies, is just a functional gamma, a secret king who has learned how to negotiate between his megalomania and reality, ie how to write books that are fun to read.
Not a huge fan of the handsome Jean-Paul but the guy had game. 😉 Some short stories in The wall are better than Nausea.
Sorry for the rambling. Polish 7 just flaked an hour before the date and for the first time this afternoon I’ve seen here in Milan a daygamer way better than me so in order to prevent a potential gamma relapse I wrote this comment on gammaness.
Liking also the non daygame posts of the blog.
[Thanks for the kind words. I’ve been reading a lot more since November last year (about a book a week, although I have a full time job unlike some 😉 ). It’s improved my perspective vastly, got me to write in different manners, and a new hobby I can talk about too – TC]
LikeLiked by 1 person