Reframing the +1 Text

I woke up this morning to a +1 text from Mazz. In the past I would have immediately followed that up with a “well done”, a “tell me the story” and knot of jealousy in my chest; I’m known for saying that seeing other people’s success got my competitive juices flowing. It’s one of my main motivations: to be better than others.

To act as if we were different from women in this way would be utter arrogance (she’ll cockblock her friend to ensure no one gets laid rather than risk being on the losing side of a partial group victory). When you see that your friend is getting laid and you did not, even just for that night/week/month/etc., it always stings.

From the evolutionary biology perspective, and especially for men, if one man is selected then the other females can follow suit. You immediately become genetically irrelevant.

From the self esteem perspective, you wonder why your value was not as high as your friend’s and therefore conclude it must be lower than you thought vis-a-vis your are worth less.

I’ve found that over time, I’ve been able to adjust my reaction to other people’s +1 texts through my actions. Each time I got one, I’d reply with “that’ll get/that’s got my competitive juices going”, and I really meant it. Verbalising how I felt allowed me to enter a state where seeing someone else succeed was encouragement to go out and get another lay to settle the score in my mind. Because of this, rather than feeling jealous, I also felt emboldened.

However, I imagine that the relationship between the two guys does matter. Through a combination of factors, I’ve had a lot more lays than Mazz, so I’m much more inclined to congratulate him. Elsewhere, earlier this year, I surpassed the lay count of the previous “high score” of my friend group and I can imagine that it would sting the guy who fell into second place. For a month or so we were neck and neck, which made his +1s infuriating to me.

I don’t know when the dick measuring will cease. Passing the 100 mark seems to be a milestone for many guys. Perhaps after that it’s all just peace and love, man… Maybe then it becomes who can pull off the fastest or craziest pulls, or have the most girls on rotation. All value is relative in some way, so once the competition of the highest N becomes inconsequential, something has to be next – I’m suspicious that full self acceptance is in some way delusional.

Yours unfaithfully,

Thomas Crown