I had a Skype call on Sunday where part of the conversation went like this:
What do I do if the girl is shy and won’t ask me questions? If she doesn’t ask me any questions and doesn’t know anything about me then surely she is more likely to flake? Am I running enough comfort? Is a lack of comfort causing my flake rate to increase?
Today I want to talk about comfort and say why I think that the need to “ground” a set is a myth (grounding being the idea that the girl should leave the set knowing a few things about you so that you stick in her mind).
First of all let me disprove the idea that knowing things about someone means that you know them: If I had never met you but you came across a list of statistics about my life, and you went off and memorised that list, could you count yourself as knowing me? No. If we were to meet afterwards I would still count you as a stranger. If anything, it would be quite creepy that you knew so much about me!
This is why I say that “grounding” is a myth: it doesn’t matter if she knows a few things about you or not. And even if it was, but you never verbally confirmed anything about you like where you are from, what you do, etc, then she would simply attach another tag to you to remember you by such as “the guy who approached me in the street” or “the guy who said that I looked like a picnic blanket.”
At the end of the day, comfort isn’t a phase or a conversational style or even a conversational energy, it’s a feeling. Does the girl feel comfortable around you. Now this is where the confusion comes in, because typically if a girl feels comfortable around you she will be more willing to talk about herself and ask you about your life. This confusion leads guys to get the order the wrong way around: she doesn’t ask questions to feel comfortable, she asks questions because she already feels comfortable.
N.B. In a rare case, a girl will suddenly start asking comfort-styled questions so as to lessen her own ASD e.g. she knows that it is heading towards sex and fast, and suddenly asks those questions because she also mistakenly believes that to be the pre-requisite for “knowing” someone. In reality she’s already comfortable with you and sex, but wants some “personality insurance.”
So if I was to go back and edit the original question then I would posit it as “how do I make a girl feel comfortable?” Or perhaps I’d be even more specific and ask “how do I make a girl feel comfortable without sacrificing attraction?” It’s important to tag that little part on the end, because it would be very easy to approach from far away, do the set from far away, and generally just be really nice. In that case the girl would be very comfortable because you wouldn’t be posing any kind of sexual threat.
I think the answer lies in how much warmth you can project (warmth being one of the constituents of charisma, along with power and presence, as defined by Olivia Cabane). You can display warmth by having a genuine smile while approaching, through self-amusement, through not taking the whole thing so seriously, and through generally enjoying the process. The tough part is that to achieve that and for your warmth to project, you have to reduce your anxiety (the obstacle to your charisma).
More and more these days I return to something Krauser said that a red pill therapist said to him years and years ago (unfortunately I forget the name of the guy): that you’re projecting your personality in Game but that the lens of the projector is scuffed and dirty. Therefore you need to work on cleaning and refining that lens so that the authentic self can be seen. In real life I see that as getting to a point where you stop judging yourself for your results and have very low (or practically non-existent) anxiety. The point where you can tell yourself “what happens happens, and I’ll enjoy myself either way.”
Yours unfaithfully,
Thomas Crown
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