How do you avoid the mentality of “bothering” a girl by approaching?
I wanted to answer this question because it’s come up in conversation a couple of times recently. I’ll let you know what I think you should do first as a beginner, then as a lower intermediate and beyond before finally talking about the mindset/Inner Game side of this.
Beginners
The issue for 99% of beginners is that they don’t think of themselves as fundamentally attractive men and so it’s only natural that they’ll consider themselves as bothering girls when if they approach them in the street. The key is to start small and build yourself up in tiny increments:
- Start by asking for directions. You’ve done this before and so why would it count as bothering someone?
- Then ask for the “nearest good coffee shop” and have a quick social chat about the cafe. You’re only asking for someone’s recommendation so why would it count as bothering someone?
- Then you do a hit and run compliment where you tell a girl how good she looks and then you leave. Why would showing entirely positive sentiment towards something without wanting anything in return count as bothering someone? (If this is too much too soon then try an intermediary step where you do (2) but finish it with a compliment. If that again is too much then try (2) but finish with a guess on where she’s from and build up to the compliment in future interactions).
You could repeat that process every time you leave the house for a Daygame session and, to start with, only continue with the conversation if the girl reacts positively to your compliment. Then if she says she has a boyfriend, always take it at face value. If she says she has to go, let her go straight away. Don’t do the “walk and talk” with girls; if they don’t want to stop and talk then let them go. If you do get a number then don’t bombard her with text messages: you send your feeler and if she doesn’t respond then a follow up 48 hours later; if she still doesn’t respond then delete the number.
This is, in essence, “nice guy Daygame*,” but it doesn’t matter because your number one aim as a beginner is to reduce your AA to manageable levels and get yourself into a routine of approaching. And remember that anytime you go up to a girl and give her a compliment, that counts as a set.
By easing yourself in like this you’ll gather first hand evidence that you’re not bothering girls… Or at least you’ll see where the line is and know not to cross it.
* Though a lot of this carries beyond the beginner stage: don’t do “walk and talk” approaches because if she likes you enough she’ll stay and talk for at least a minute. Remember that a minute with a busy girl is worth more than 10 minutes with a girl who has nothing to do. You shouldn’t be badgering girls over messages too. Overall, learn to take the hint.
Lower Intermediates and Beyond
I’m going to sound like a broken record and insist that you learn how to employ a pre-approach filter (PAF). Many people assume that PAF means simply “approach off of IOI’s” and so you’ll either not get laid or only with girls who you’re better looking than. In reality, it’s so much more than that. It’s all about learning to spot the signals that girls send out which show that they’re in the horny part of their monthly cycle or that they are specifically into you or your archetype.
Using a PAF you can learn to approach girl A rather than girl B. If you avoid a bad reaction from girl B (bothering her) then you can save that good vibe for girl A.
You can start with a really, really simple form of filtering: how quickly is she walking? Girls who walk relatively slower than the other girls in their environment are signalling that they are looking for adventure, or at least have the time to stop and talk and not zoom from A to B. Conversely, those girls who are charging around are likely to be No girls.
From there, start to work out the clear No girls and stop approaching them. Go beyond looking at which girls are not up for it right now and into which girls tend to dislike you and your archetype.
Then, focus on the girls who are more likely to be interested in you (the ones giving off signals). I learned to look for these signals through a combination of experience – testing out whether certain things a girl wore or did influenced how well the set went – and from reading Krauser’s Daygame Infinite.
You don’t see these signals right now because you haven’t been looking for them. I’m often out with students and point out IOI’s for them that they missed. I can see these because I’m present while out on the streets and looking at what people are looking at. Or I’ll point out movements in a girl’s hips and the student will say they never noticed it but once I pointed it out it was obvious.
Mindset/Inner Game
By developing your filter you’ll see that the emotional cost to Game dissipates. Each set is a boost to your vibe because you’re no longer approaching girls who aren’t interested in you. It gets cemented in your mind that you’re doing a good thing and that you genuinely have something to offer the girls you’re approaching. This is where the bad mindset of a beginner, that they’re fundamentally unattractive, gets washed away. In essence you see that you weren’t scared of “bothering girls” to start with, it’s that you felt unworthy of expressing interest in them and that there would be blowback if you did. That’s why the beginner steps are structured as they are: you’re slowly showing more intent to women and building up to a point where you see how far you can go.
That’s the thing: Game isn’t about “making” girls who don’t like you, like you. It’s about calibration, spotting the girls who are open to being into you, and fanning the flames of that interest. So when I go into set it’s incredibly rare that I get a harsh blowout or bad reaction. And even if they’re unavailable or the interest is there but it’s not high enough, I still leave on a high, wish them well and let them know that it was nice talking to them. I don’t have the “takers” mindset where I give off the vibe that I’m there to “force” them to like me and get something from them. Instead, it’s collaborative.
Yours unfaithfully,
Thomas Crown
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